You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
