wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is wine microwaveable?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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