dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
