I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
