My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
