Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
