If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My ass is underappreciated
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
