You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
