Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
