And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
