I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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