Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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