I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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