My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
