I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
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