but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
