I can't breathe out the right side of my face
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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