I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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