I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
