I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
