Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
