I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
