Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
