well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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