I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
