I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
