Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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