I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
