this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lo siento on account of my penis...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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