I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
