I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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