What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
