Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
