I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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