operation have a gay friend backfired
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
