We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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