Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So vagazzling was a success
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
