I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Still dying that you shit outside
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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