Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
