i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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