woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
