here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
