Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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