If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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