If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
