he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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