How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
did i walk over a car last night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize