Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
