it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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