i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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