i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
