whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
